Life After Divorce

I normally don’t talk about my personal life (or lack of…) but I get so many questions about how to move on after a divorce.

There are a ton of books, specialists, and websites that tackle this, I didn’t use any. I can only say what worked for me.

My marriage was doomed from the start, but I stayed in it for whatever reason. In hindsight, there were so many things wrong about that relationship but the one that affected me most was compromising my self worth and losing myself.

When outsiders learned of my failed marriage, they would tend to approach me with sympathy, like my puppy died or something. That was really annoying.

I wasn’t sad about going through a divorce.

My divorce wasn’t a NEGATIVE thing.

Divorce was a new beginning, a resurrection, an opportunity for my SPIRIT to come alive again.

It had nothing to do with men and getting my groove back.

It had everything to do with getting MYSELF back.

I actually took almost a 2 year break from men just to re-discover all the wonderful things about myself that had faded.

It wasn’t anything personal about men.

I wasn’t a man hater.

I didn’t morph into THAT woman who hunkered in a dark corner at a bar ranting how all men are cheaters and no good. LOL.

I still had 100% faith that honest, loving, GOOD men existed.

Geez. I have such an insane appreciation for the beauty of Men. I could NEHEVER hate men.

Soooo….in that time period, along with raising my boys, I went on a quest to re-discover myself.

Here’s how I did it:

1. FIND A HOBBY– I had become so caught up in raising kids and being a “good” wife, I had stopped reading books. Reading was something that always seemed to bring me peace. Getting lost in words is such a magical feeling and they say certain books have a way of finding you at the right time. I read many stories of love, strength, family, and overcoming odds that gave me such great inspiration.

2. DO SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER DONE– I had just had my second son and I was ready to feel confident about my body again. I had heard about pole dancing classes, but was skeptical to try. Afterall, a woman, especially a mother of 2 shouldn’t flaunt or be comfortable  with her sexuality, right? WRONG! AFter 2 years of pole dancing, so much of my spirit was reborn. I was confident, sassy, and secure (not to mention in shape…pole dancing really works your core and tightens up your abs).

3. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE– A divorce will really let you know who your friends are. Being newly single (and a pole dancing beast) will surprisingly get you banished from a lot of social circles and “couples” events. I get it…no man wants his wife around around the single girl; and no woman wants her husband around her HOT single friend. It hurt. Afterall, I had a broken marriage, not leprosy. But a few friends really showed me love and I will forever appreciate their non judgemental and unconditional love.

4. BE HAPPY– I’ve never been the one to sit around playing the victim, “Oh why me? How am I gonna move on? All men are dogs! What did I do to deserve this?” blah blah blah. I looked at my new life as a 2nd chance to find happiness. I embraced it and reassured myself that everything happens for a reason. I realized that no matter what happens in life, you find the lesson in it, learn from it, and apply it to your future. No matter the negative situation, I always tried to find the strength to keep pushing forward toward a better life for myself and my children. I had to keep negative people away and out of my life tho. I refused to let anyone bring me down or steal my joy.

5. DON’T LOOK FOR LOVE– Sooo…it seems that everyone loves to set up their single friend. lol I wanted no parts of this. Afterall, I had been with the same man for 12 years, my game was prolly really rusty. I felt like a freed Felon unaware of how to survive in the new unfamiliar world. After my divorce, I wasn’t looking for a man to fill my void or Prince Charming to come in and save the day. Honestly, I hate small talk and all the getting to know you questions associated with dating, so I shunned away from all dates. My favorite date every Friday and Saturday night was myself. #IamAwesome

6. FIND A FRIEND– Having friends felt great. As my new life began, so did a friendship created on a social networking website. Ok, ok, don’t write me off just yet and call me a loser…The culprit was a mutual friend with one of my best guy friends, so he wasn’t like some random weirdo. For some reason, it was really easy for such a reserved and closed up person as myself to open up and confide in a total stranger. It really helped.  Getting to know someone and talking about myself really opened me up to new possibilities. I felt like a school girl and our friendship eventually blossomed into something more.

7. DON’T CLOSE YOURSELF OFF TO NEW POSSIBILITIES– Although that relationship didn’t work out, I learned so much about myself, life, and love from it. I stepped outside of my box and opened up to someone who didn’t fit the mold of my “type”.  I took a chance on love and realized I was still capable to love and be loved, that made it worth it. Overall it was a positive experience. I learned something from it and I’m a better me.

I’m not closed up to a future marriage or even having kids again. I’m just not looking for it. I have 2 amazing boys who I believe it is my destiny to raise and shape into kind, moral, intelligent young men. If love finds me, I won’t close the door on it. But I am enjoying this ride of life that I never thought would happen to me.

Soooooo….here I am 3 years after my divorce.

I am loving life and all the wonderful opportunities and people who have entered my world since my new beginning.

I’m a firm believer that no matter what we plan in life to happen, sometimes there is a different plan in store for you.

I appreciate each day of my life.

I don’t question anything that happens, I just embrace the lesson from it.

There is no room for negative people or forces in my life, just positive supportive elements.

Life is a blessing. There is nothing too big that you can’t handle or overcome. Find your strength in something and happiness will ensue.

Someone, somewhere loves you, but more importantly, you must LOVE YOURSELF. 🙂

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23 Comments on “Life After Divorce”

  1. Ken Marshall October 3, 2011 at 7:41 AM #

    Amen, sista! I had to realize the same thing when I went through my divorce. (minus the poledancing class) If you lose yourself, you got pretty much nothing else! Glad we are all happy now! See ya in the Dome!!! GO DAWGS!!!

    • ahotmama October 3, 2011 at 1:04 PM #

      LOL…Pole dancing and football helped me thru it!!! Tigers are Dome bound fer sure!!! See ya there. 🙂

  2. Auntie/Sister Mona October 3, 2011 at 3:11 PM #

    Definitely NOT a negative thing! Everyone deserves to be happy and live their life to the fullest, and so happy to see you on that road. Glad you decided to make the change, keep fighting for yourself and those boyz! Everything will work out, enjoy the journey!

    • ahotmama October 3, 2011 at 6:23 PM #

      I’m looking for a LIKE button!!! lol Thanku 🙂 You know firsthand how happy I am at this stage of my life.

      • Aunty Mona October 4, 2011 at 1:52 PM #

        and we are all happy too! 😉

  3. Alivia October 3, 2011 at 7:12 PM #

    You are awesome! And I’m proud to call you
    “My Friend”. I always knew you were strong & intelligence (and wow a damn hood writer too!); I wish you only the best life & love has to offer!

    • ahotmama October 4, 2011 at 10:23 AM #

      Thanku :)…Hmm…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you have a great auto correct on your phone, although I prolly am a hood writer at times. lol

  4. Grandma Tee October 4, 2011 at 4:15 PM #

    Thanks for sharing Nora. What a beautiful discovery of your true self filled with compassion and wisdom. You are the inspiration to lots of people. Your dad and I are proud of you. You stayed in the relationship waiting for Mo-Mo and Bronson, I believe!

    • ahotmama October 5, 2011 at 11:40 AM #

      Thanku mom 🙂 Having a great support system and good role models also helped me a lot.

  5. steph March 19, 2012 at 5:29 PM #

    Have you remarried?

    • ahotmama March 24, 2012 at 4:41 PM #

      No. I haven’t remarried.

  6. Monica October 7, 2012 at 9:11 AM #

    Nora I love this. You are so full of all kinds of awesome-ness. Love ya chick!

  7. Robert November 20, 2012 at 7:11 PM #

    I love your outlook on life. I have been their before. I am a single dad , two beautiful daughters. That live with me, one I can’t spend time with, because of her mother. But life goes on and one day that little girl is going to want to know where her dad is. I wonder how her mom will fill then? Good luck to you ,every day

  8. ahotmama November 29, 2012 at 11:32 AM #

    Thank you Robert. It definitely isn’t an easy journey, but having a positive outlook seems to make it easier. Best wishes to you and your girls.

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